manic monday: no cheese please?

before we get into this week's regularly scheduled programming, i'd like to say that i went to soul cycle this morning and i didn't want to die. it was more intense than the last ride i took - we did the weight section out of the saddle - and yet i didn't scream for the fan nor quit. i still can't "tap it back" or do the pushups on time, but i'm getting there. 

also, i'm pretty sure the showers there are nicer than mine at home:

products in my favorite color.

rain-like shower? yes please.

the reason that i woke up at an ungodly time to go to soul-cycle? because it was my "last chance workout" for the next few weeks. why, do you ask? well, because i am a paley (you've seen the pictures. you know i'm not lying.) and guess what happens to paleys? they get moles that have a chance to turn into cancer. and guess what? i'm that paley that gets those moles. 

i'm especially vigilant, an avid sunscreen wearer and i see the dermatologist every 3-6 months to get a full body scan. but between my family history and the fact that i freckle faster than a banana, i am constantly forking over my money to have my skin sliced and diced. and unfortunately for this week, it was my leg's turn.

ignore the giant feet and focus on the nice pedicure and the bandage around my stitches.

buddy doesn't understand seltzer. so he attacks it.

he is very good at checking i on me in between naps.

and in order to heal okay, it means that i need to stay off of it for the next few weeks. which means no working out. which means that my goal of running without stopping is on hold for the mean time. which means that i need to something else in order to stay on my path to health. 

which sadly means, for this week's manic monday, i'm going to work on ridding dairy from my diet. 

i'm not sure if i've mentioned this here before, but i fucking love cheese. i'm pretty sure i have it at almost every meal. it's always in my fridge and always on my mind. basically, i'm always working on my night cheese.

however, it messes with my stomach and i have a problem saying no to it. so i'm going to try and rid it. i'm not going to go all cold turkey, but i am limiting myself to one bit of dairy a day. and most days, it's going to be in my coffee in the form of milk. so yeah, this one is going to be hard.

don't worry though, i sent myself off in style with an awesome cheese plate and a caprese salad yesterday. a last hurrah of sorts before i take control of my gastrointestinal destiny. 

yep, that sounds as weird as i thought it would.

sunday showdown: apparently not aging so gracefully

this hurts me to say, but i'm getting old. and sadly, i have some hard truths that back this up.

first and foremost, last week's self-imposed bed time was pretty great. i didnt' always fall asleep right at 10:30, but just having a reason to curl up with my cat (yep, going to be single forever) and settle in to sleep has been great. i also have a DVR for a reason. the TV will still be there for me in the morning, and just because i can't live tweet doesn't mean that i'm losing anything. 

safe to say, this is going to continue to be something i aim for weekly, though i will probably continue to stay up late for scandal, because shonda rhimes is KILLING it right now guys. seven fifty-two, indeed.

so now that we know that last week's "lesson" was a success, let me fill you in on the other few notes of my obvious elderly state. 

i spent friday night enjoying the beautiful spring weather and having a lot a few beers with co-workers on a rooftop deck, despite the fact that i knew very well that i had to be up at 6am to head up to the bronx for a full day of volleyball. i had set a firm deadline of 11pm for me to head home from a birthday party and get to sleep. 

naturally, this means i stayed out until past midnight dancing and drinking with some truly awesome people. naturally. 

luckily, i managed to invest in a couple slices of delicious pizza on my way home  to try and stave off any hangover in the morning. buddy helped me eat the crust in bed (i know i'm not supposed to give him people food, mom, but he wouldn't take no for an answer!) unfortunately, the tasty slices did not help me sleep safe and sound.

6am came bright and early. like real early, guys. i managed to scrape together my knee pads, high socks and shoes, threw on my spandex (oh yeah, super sexy) and sweats and headed to duane reade to buy all the gatorade and most of the food to stock up for the day. then i took the 6 train almost to its end. for real, 21 stops and it went above ground. i was unaware that the 6 train wet above ground, so it was definitely a surprise for someone (i.e. me) who was not in the mood to deal with sunlight.

i ate my (two) bagels and tried to buck up for my team. it seemed to be that after the first game, my dehydration from the drinking and massive sweating, which i am wont to do, made me drunk again. if that's possible. it sure as hell felt that way, at least. so needless to say, i felt great. 

until i saw that three of the teams in the tournament were college club teams. and they were so young. like, so young. i consider myself a young person and like to think that i could still pass for an undergrad student. well, i used to at least. because i literally looked across the net at one point and couldn't distinguish the setter (something you do in competitive vball. look, you learned something today!) from anyone else. they were literally all 18, blonde and tall-ish in identical uniforms. the spandex i was wearing were from my senior year of high school, so basically almost as old as they were. that was an ego blow.

the tournament itself went pretty well, we came in second place and i got some sweet new sweat pants as a reward. but we did play 7 games in the span of about 7 hours. and not to brag, but i'm pretty good at the game (i've been playing for more than half my life, so i should be by this point), which meant that there was no time of me sitting on the bench. i'm also extremely aggressive - shocker - and have no qualms about throwing my body across the floor in the chance to try and keep the ball up. and for some reason, my body doesn't heal quite as fast as it used to.

in the past, i would've been able to go out drinking after a day of playing. hell, i literally did that in college, and pretty damn well at that. but between the friday drinking and the saturday sports, i was one tired bitch. i fell asleep on the couch before smash could even come on at 8pm. and lord knows there is nothing i love more than a good hate-watching and live-tweeting of smash. buddy woke me up before 10 and was disappointed that instead of playing with him for a while, i just moved locations and slept hard for another 11 hours. 

he was also disappointed that it took me 20 minutes to get out of bed this morning because EVERYTHING HURTS AND I WANTED TO DIE. shoulders, back, ass, legs, feet, knees and neck were all screaming when i even considered moving them. this is not how it used to be. why is this happening? i just want to play sports and drink beers and feel nothing. why am i not still 22?

okay, rant over. because let's be honest, the insecurity of 22 is not something that i wish for ever again. neither is the pay grade, amiright?

you know what is great about being 28? taking newsworthy stories and making them applicable for real life. case in point? while sitting in the park today with my besties, most of whom are single like me, we were discussing flirting. my friend (shall remain nameless for this one) mentioned that she's finally getting the hang of flirting. extremely outgoing and will talk to everyone, she mentions how she needs to start with the light arm touch and the laugh. i, being the asshole that i am, tell her that she needs to lean in. and not sheryl sandberg style figuratively, but LITERALLY lean into a man when speaking with him. that way he can look down your shirt and tell you are interested (hi mom!). yeah, i'm making some real good choices and giving great advice to people.

the other great thing about being 28? being able to spring for the 10 minute massage at the end of your mani/pedi. because damn, it hurt so good today guys.

it's the perfect date, guys!

well, it's everyone's favorite day of the year, april 25th!

that being said, i figured a little midweek check in couldn't hurt.

i'm digging this going to bed early thing for the most part. but it's not making getting up early in the morning as easy as i hoped it would. in fact, those two morning workouts i mentioned trying this week? slept right through them. and it was glorious. friggin glorious.

i did manage to make my volleyball game last night and i am playing in another tournament on saturday, so i feel slightly better about myself. even if i missed out on some trudog time this morning. 

alright kids, short and sweet today because i really need to celebrate the perfect date accordingly.

which obvi means, i'll be wearing a light jacket and acting like the female rain man. duh.

manic monday: sleepyhead

ahhh chub rub. welcome back to my thighs. while i was ready for amendment 2b weather (the right to bare legs), i was not ready to see you again. 

but i digress.

this week's manic monday came to me in a dream. well, not really, but kind of.

this may come as a surprise to you, but i put relatively zero forethought into what i'm going to work on each week. i basically think about it all day sunday and try to figure out what i think is the least taxing and the most feasible for me to actually accomplish. then i go to bed and forget everything and make a decision on my commute to work.

to which i arrived on time today.

anyway, i played in a volleyball tournament all day yesterday, as i am wont to do, and was exhausted so once game of thrones was over (this episode lives up  to the crazy of a storm of swords. everything happens in that book guys. EVERYTHING), i skipped watching mad men live (second week in a row. oh well) and crawled into bed around 10:15. i put the TV timer on and barely heard it before heading off into oblivion. 



listen to this mashup. it's magic. even for sleepyheads like me.

i was so tired last night, i don't even think that my snuggle buddy buddy woke me up. which is basically the first time that's happened since i brought him home. i woke up happy and refreshed and ready to start the week. well, as much as i can be before coffee on a monday fucking morning.

so thus, i have decided that this week that i'm going to make a conscious effort to get to bed at an earlier time on school nights. in fact, i need to be in bed by 10:30pm. i don't necessarily need to fall asleep at that time, but personal electronics and lights need to be turned off. 

this may not seem hard to most of you, but it is for me. scandal is all new this week and i NEEDS to know what's going on with olivia pope and co this week, y'all. 

sunday showdown: one step forward, 2 steps back.

good news: i managed to arrive to work on time almost every day last week. the exception i already told you about. so this week, a success.

however, my life was a crazed mess last week. which meant i got home most nights and fell into bed. which means that my apartment is once again a disaster zone. buddy still has his "adorable" habit of destroying my toilet paper at every chance he gets. my dishwasher has been clean for days, but has yet to be unloaded. and the floor of my closet is once again covered in clothes and cat hair. 

basically, i took one step forward with my weekly goal, and one giant step backward with my first goal of being a bit more domestic. which means that i need to make sure that by improving one area per week doesn't take away from my what i learned the week before. apparently it seems that my tried and true method of cramming before a test and then forgetting everything afterward. i have to like "learn" or whatever.

oof. that's going to hurt.

unrelated, i did something very new york yesterday and kind of conquered a fear (well, a little bit). i walked the brooklyn bridge.

i have an extremely irrational fear of bridges. i always think that they're either going t fall out from beneath me, or that my car will careen off of the side and i have only 10 seconds to unbutton my seatbelt, open the door and dive out into the water before i die. yep, this is a completely normal thing for me. but not for most people.

walking the brooklyn bridge is apparently a new york right of passage and the fact that it took me over three years of residency to do it is blasphemy. so my friend meri g and i took to the pavement and walked both ways, and toured around the newish brooklyn bridge park. it was gorgeous and i'm glad i did it, even though i saw a girl try to climb on part of the bridge to take a picture and i had a minor panic attack.

on that note, i'll leave you with the pictures that i took. until we chat again, internet friends.

apparently, endorphins are real.

okay, this is going to sound super hokey, which is totally not my style, but i think that exercise and pampering can basically fix anything. at least, that's what i'm pretty sure i learned in the past 48 hours.

wednesday was a terrible day. like, this bad: 

i do not own this photo. just the not impressed face and bad photoshop skills.

i won't go into detail as clean fonts and dirty jokes is a positive place, but let's just say, if at 8:20am you've already thrown in the towel, it's not going to get any better from there.

what made this all worse was the fact that i had thursday packed to the motherfucking brim. (yep, motherfucker is the only adjective that is appropriate there. i said this was a positive place, not biblical one.) i had already committed to doing 7am soul cycle, was super busy with work and had my annual gala for my super-awesome non-profit that i serve on the board for, which i was pulling double duty as attendee and photographer (well, until i had too much wine and they made me put the camera down).

so, i get about 5 hours of sleep going into thursday and i still wake up in a terrible mood. and i am about to get on a bike for 45 minutes. which let's be honest, hurts your good girl. especially if you only cycle once a quarter or so, like myself. and on top of it, i was running late. this did not bode well for me.

i took a cab 8 blocks  managed to arrive on time and get in to set up my bike with two of my have gal pals, nicole and rachel. they are super happy to be there, because they do this on the regular and are true soul-cyclers (if that's what you call a brand enthusiast. should've googled that one.) me? this was my second class ever at soul-cycle, and the first one? well the first one ended with me asking to just die on the bike because it was easier than ever moving again.  

i get my bike settings going with rachel's help, because while i remembered my settings (10 7 stop!), i apparently do not have the wherewithal to set it correctly. i clip in, take a swig of water and say a short prayer. here we go.

turns out, i kind of, sort of, a little bit, a lot, fucking loved it. i'm not sure if it was because i was in the front row and had more air. it could've been that the teacher had a bit of a granola-type moment that i was shockingly into. or it could be that she played hall and oates's "rich girl" and beyonce's "love on top" back to back. regardless, i was into it. and i want to go back.

don't let that fool you into thinking that i was actually "good" at this. i still bob when everyone else weaves. i still don't think i tap it back correctly (get your mind out of the gutters, guys.) and i definitely am not ready to move past the 1lb weights. 

i left the class in a great mood, and put everything from wednesday out of my mind. didn't mean i wasn't still nervous for the day ahead, but i felt more confident that i could handle it. endorphins are NOT dolphin's tails to me anymore! they are real, viable, happy thoughts. who knew?

the other two things that made my day amaze yesterday? first was the blowout i treated myself to at lunch at drybar. i 100% recommend getting your hair did if you're in a bad mood. it's basically like they shampoo out the bad shit and condition in the juju. worth every penny (not that it's a lot mom. practically free. i'm being super responsible.)

the second was the fact that the gala was a huge success. the space was beautiful. the food was delicious. and the bar was fucking open. what could be better? oh, i know, if you are sitting at a table with a huge group of close friends. and they give you a nice camera to take pictures of each other in your fancy clothes. and i didn't even drop it once! (aren't you pleased, diana?)

i also took some pictures on my phone for the obvious reason to share on all my social media networks.

my friends taking a selfie with my phone.
much love to platt, meri and shari. hey, that rhymed!

"i just want to run and jump on you" - nicole

we managed to pull it together after the running incident.
and yes, this is nicole of soul-cycle fame noted above.
obvi, the program is doing her well.

and apparently, to share with you all online. 

even better news about yesterday? the fact that after drinking at LEAST a bottle and a half of wine last night, no hangover today.

AND I WAS ON TIME TO WORK.

miracles happen, y'all.

for real though, it wasn't my fault.

so i went on my first run today since my 4 miler a couple weeks ago. and let's be honest, i'm using the word "run" lightly. i walked and jogged - slowly - the route along the river that's close to my apartment before work this morning.

yep, that's right, i got out of bed at 6ish to work out.

let's all pause for a moment of disbelief, shall we?

i did a respectable-to-me-and-only-me 2.4 miles in just over a half hour, which is just a smidgen slower than i was a couple weeks ago. i blame the combination of lack of people for me to sprint past and the fact that my lungs felt tighter than a hipster's fave pair of skinny jeans.

luckily, i had some beautiful scenery and some kickass tunes to keep me company while i contemplated if i would die less than a mile from my apartment.

yep, mumford and spring are two things that make this girl extremely happy.

so, as what i'm sure are inquiring minds would like to know, was i actually on time for work on day two of my weekly goal? short answer? no. long answer? i would have been! 

i left myself extra time to make sure i would arrive promptly and when i just missed a bus downtown, i realized that i would have to abandon my lassiez faire (bet you bitches forgot what that meant) attitude for a more appropriate "move you bitches" when it comes to public transportation. normally i am hang back and let the aggro people fight out to squeeze on to one bus while i wait for the bus that is literally in sight a block away that i comfortably find a seat on. what's a couple of extra minutes in the grand scheme of things. now that i'm aiming for punctuality? i will run and leap to get into that bitch.

which is what i did this morning. and it was okay. but then because the bus system hasn't realized that spring has indeed sprung (see above photo), the air wasn't on. and since it was the crowded bus that i normally avoid, it was hot. which meant, of course, someone was going to pass out. 

now, luckily, it wasn't me (because that's what i'm really about) and the person was actually okay, but it meant sitting on the side of the road for a bit. which means my 8:53 estimated arrival time turned into 9:06. so while i was on time, everyone else wasn't.

for the first time in my life, at least.

manic monday: i'm not always there when you call, but i'm always on time...

so here we are again, for another week of "self improvement" or whatever. i'm super pumped. aren't you?

you are? really? for serious? oh, cool. great. thanks.

as i explained yesterday, i am definitely not done getting all the clutter out of my tiny apartment (how i manage to get that much shit into it truly boggles my mind) so that is still on the list of things to accomplish this week. we're (err, i'm) having cocktails to celebrate as soon as it's done.

but, this week's official manic monday is actually going to be dedicated to something super easy you'll actually be surprised that it's gotten to be so damn hard for me to do. this week, i'm going to remember how to...drum roll... get to work on time!

yep, apparently basic human functions such as getting out of bed on time is impossible for me. and i'm still not emotionally stable enough to try and take on the snooze button battle yet. i mean, my morning alarms look like this: 

yeah, even buddy pouncing on my face and eating my hair doesn't get me out of bed. i just pull the covers over my head and tell him momma needs a minute.

that feeling, combined with a love of matt lauer (i don't care what the press is saying about you matty, i think you're swell), means that i can't get out the door on time anymore. and while no one i report to is a clock watcher and i regularly work through lunch and much past the suggested quitting time and get my job done, i still think it'd be nice to start my day fresh instead of racing through the door. so thus, my goal is to arrive promptly every day this week. that way the prisses can stop looking down at me because i'ma beat them to work this week. and thus i can look down on them. 

it may be difficult, since i have already signed on for not one, but TWO morning workouts this week, but dammit i will try!

finally, today truly is manic due to the horrific event that happened at the boston marathon. while i am not a runner yet, nor do i ever think that i will be a marathoner, it hurts my soul to think that there are people in the world who would choose such an uplifting and inspiring event to cause destruction. i have literally spent the last 15 minutes following coverage and wiping tears from my eyes. one of my favorite people, meri g, is there watching friends complete their huge accomplishment and thank goodness is okay. but no one should have to deal with such heartbreak on a day that is so intrinsically about overcoming odds and banding together to accomplish something. 

my thoughts are with you, bean town. 

sunday showdown: not quite there...

so, here is my first "official" check in. and by official, i mean, the first time i rate my results. and in the sake of all honesty, i didn't do that well.

i managed to tidy up a bit, but nowhere near the amount that needs to be done. but isn't that part of the reason i'm blogging? because i have obvious shortcomings and i need to deal with them. 

but i'll get to them in a few, i want to walk you through a few fun things that happened since i last typed and you theoretically read it.

first, i took a class a 6:30 in the morning - yes, apparently they have a 6:30 in the morning too. weird, huh? - with an instructor whose name is trudog. yep, trudog. all one word, no e. and he introduced himself to me with a straight face. it was a cardio jam class that was kind of the perfect way to start the day, because he played some kickass music. janet, khia, macy. 
however, in class, i felt my shoulder muscle pop out during jumping jacks. and it hurt like a bitch. i kept going, because i apparently am a sadist, and finally today it's starting to feel normal.

second, on friday after work i went to a happy hour that turned into drinking all night and came home to find this: 

so not only had i not kept up my initial part of my cleaning goal, but buddy decided to make things worse. i'm pretty sure he was trying to teach me a lesson that being gone from 8am until 1am is NOT okay. my toilet paper was also completely unrolled too.

little bastard.

we made up though. he even helped me get dressed today. and by dressed, i mean he tried to eat my necklace and then was unimpressed that i wouldn't let him.

unfortunately, the excessive beer drinking made me have a slight taste of what my family so LOVINGLY calls the "bottle flu." and i was supposed to go to soul cycle at 10am with my girls, who are all pros at spinning. i am not a pro, and am pretty sure that i would've puked had i been on the bike. and i don't know if they'd let me come back after that. and i have TWO classes already paid for, so i really don't want to get barred for life. it'd be like bad fitness karma. i managed to get out of it, but am planning to reschedule because that is definitely something that needs to be blogged about. so, something for you all to look out for in the future.

i did recover, but spent most of the day hanging on my couch and dealing with a massive allergy attack. but it also meant falling asleep at 10pm, so really, it's for the best.

nyc is freaking gorgeous out right, so i spent the day outside with my besties, a set of parents and a lot of dogs. two hours of sunlight in 60 degrees means this: 

yep, that's how pale people roll. and i, my friends, am the palest.

i DID manage to sneak in 4 workouts and threw out 3 giant bags of trash, so while i am not completely clutter free, i am doing better than i was a week ago. i realized that cleaning is not something that should happen once a month or when company is coming over. dishes should be done daily, otherwise your cat will clean them for you. vacuum up the litter once a day, otherwise you will step on it as soon as you get out of the shower. hang your clothes up in the closet when they are clean or you'll forget these things.

the moral of the story? i should do NORMAL things on a daily basis and my life won't spin out of control. also, buddy is scared of the vacuum.

being a grown up is hard. apparently so is being a kitty.

alright nike, your move.

for the first time in months, i dragged my ass to zumba class after work today. in case you have been living under a rock, zumba is a latin dance inspired work out class where you sweat profusely while doing moves that are really best performed when you are home alone in your underwear and no one but your cat can judge you. you're supposed to feel sexy and empowered. yep, nothing says "come and get it" like sweat dripping down your asscrack while you wipe your hair off your face and grind on an invisible pole at the same time. 

anyway, the class actually is a pretty kickass work out, but i kept wondering HOW great it really is. like, could i measure it? and not in the worked out for 45 minutes quantitative idea, but in a qualitative (big, fancy research words i learned in a little thing i call "college") way that people actually understand. what happened next? i basically had the most brilliant idea ever, not to exaggerate or anything.

you know how nike has it's runkeeper thing? that tracks your mileage and time for runs based on your shoes and your phone? that smug, skinny bitches post to their facebook pages that i see while inhaling a bag of natural cheetos white cheddar puffs? (if you don't know what those are, you are missing out. they are basically the perfect food-type substance.)

off topic - sorry, back to the original thought. what if they created an app that shows how much you danced, but in real time results? like, betsy danced like britney spears in 2002 tonight. or if this was a club, betsy would have shut that shit DOWN tonight. or, in all reality, if betsy was in a dance battle tonight, she would get to yell at someone, "grab a napkin, homie. you just got served!" basically, it would allow other people to know that you brought it on the dance floor, which is equally as admirable as running 4 miles in 30 minutes. fast fucks.

this could also be used for other kinds of workouts, like betsy just cycled so hard lance armstrong needed to juice to got that far! or betsy just kickboxed so hard they're creating a character for her in mortal combat! or betsy bended so well in yoga that snyder's is naming a pretzel after her! you get the idea. 

basically what i'm saying is: your move, nike.

p.s. do you think if they DID make my ideas true, i could get a cut of the money? no, probably not, right? what about free pretzels, because that is equally appealing.

manic monday: cleaning out the clutter

first and foremost: today was the first day of what i'm deciding to call "white wine weather." which means it finally felt like spring! i obviously decided to celebrate and got carded buying my $10 of sauv blanc. so basically, today is the best day ever.

alright, here's the first installment of me trying to do things via manic mondays. oooooooooh, ahhhhhhhhh. 

clear out the clutter:
so originally, the first week's mini goal was to stop hitting my snooze button every morning. but that was thrown out the window when i snoozed not once, not twice, but FOUR times this morning. it felt fucking fantastic, people, so i figured, let's wait until i have some momentum to try and tackle that decades long habit. 

as i woke up from my haze and rushed around this morning, i realized what that this is finally the chance to do what i have been claiming to have done for weeks: clean up the clutter of my apartment and "get my life in order." 

i have NEVER been a good housekeeper. as a kid i had piles around my room that contained everything i owned. clothes, books, lots of backstreet boys cds. you know the essentials. i have sort of made my ways better when i had roommates, but moreso in a shared space like a kitchen or living room. my room has always been what has been so lovingly called a "disaster zone," and now that i live alone, the whole apartment is really fair game. and it's bad.

so while it's mostly okay with me, i recently acquired a new roommate that the clutter makes things difficult for: my new furry friend buddy.

he's basically the cutest thing that ever existed. he's also a typical, bad-behaving kitten, and i wouldn't have it any other way:

but, this means that anything left out, on the floor even on the counter is fair game to him. i found litter in my shoes that were left near the bathroom where his box is. he picked up my underwear personal clothing item that was on the floor and hid them under my bed. he ate the casings to turkey sausage out of the garbage. while he managed to come through that all unscathed, i figure it wouldn't hurt me to start taking care of my life.

the plan is to take an hour each day and tackle a room and get rid of all trash, put as much as i can away and throw away what i don't need.

the throwing away things will be hard. i'm a big fan of holding onto back issues of magazines in case i ever need a recipe for quinoa again. did i see a show with you and did we get playbills? i've kept it. did i wear that shirt once for a halloween costume? still in my drawer. so not only am i doing the easy cleans, but i'm also going to actually purge a lot of stuff that i don't use anymore or don't wear anymore. and guess what? i LOVE stuff. this stuff is not going to go quietly into that dark night.

how do we know i'm serious about this? well, i made a pretty cool purchase today, guys.

yep, i got myself a hand vacuum, so that i can like REALLY clean. my mother, who i know is reading this even though she will lie to me and tell me she isn't for the sake of "boundaries," is super proud of me.

i'm obviously going to start off by cleaning off my wine glass and then filling it up, before tackling the kitchen. because a glass in the hand is worth 2 in the bottle.

the ground rules and how i plan to break pretty much all of them.

a few things before we get into the "meat" of this morning's programming:

• i'm definitely out of shape because i am like REAL sore today. my legs, my FEET, my hips, even my back all are like, bitch, what you be doing to us?
• somehow i managed to get this awesome wheezing situation so when i cough i sound like an 80 year old smoker. it's SUPER sexy. 
• i had thought about including what kinds of food i eat daily on this blog and then i remembered that i hate people that do that, so other than the occasional shout out to a truly exceptional or terrible experience, i'll try to keep it away.
• i'm still really confused from last night's mad men. i'm not sure if i got less intelligent during the hiatus, but basically all i got is that death is still very much in the air and betty is now a brunette. also, sally and roger are still the best parts of the show. peggy is okay too.

okay, now that i've got those pressing matters off my mind, i can tell you about how i am going to set a few rules for myself to make me stick to my commitments and be a better human. after each one, i'll give you a percentage of chances on the likelihood of me keeping it. spoiler alert: it's probably high.

manic mondays: so since i have set things i want to get better at, every monday i'm going to decide what this week's challenge is. ideally, i will conquer it in a week and move on to the next, but let's be honest, that's not likely. it takes a lot longer than a week to make real changes. regardless, i will outline what mini goal we're - because you bitches are in this with me - trying to make real this week. things like trying to not hit the snooze button or working out in the morning just one day a week or not cursing at people when they don't know how to ride public transportation. it's not hard guys. 
chance of making it: 60%

sunday showdown: this is when i'll provide the overall feedback of how i did on the whole for the week with both my mini goal and my overall goal of running/exercising without totes wanting to die. this will probably be filled with lies and half-truths, but at least it's something, right? RIGHT?
chance of making it: 35% (sundays get away from me real quick)

there'll probably be some more posts in between given how busy work, my dvr and my drinking schedule for the week looks, but i figured two required posts a week make it easier for me to gauge growth or whatever.

i have to finish "working" now, so i'll post this week's manic monday tonight while i watch last night's game of thrones. well, after, because i heard arya's back this week, and i LOVE that girl. 

ugh, this is going to suck

so fake internet friends, i am trying to make a better go of my life. again.

whatever, i've always had commitment issues. just ask anyone who has ever seen my ever evolving collection of clothes, nail polish and celebrity crushes. i'm a fickle bitch.

anyway, i have been saying for months now that i want to be better a human. mostly physically, as i am extremely vain, but also athletically, mentally and spirtually. HA just kidding on the spiritual shit. i am one hundred percent not capable of that. but i do kind of want to be a grown up in the way that i'm 28, i should be able to make my bed every day.

thus, i have taken to the internet to make myself accountable. which is basically the worst.

how did this come about and how will i be track progress? why, it's so nice that you asked. let me tell you all about that now.

so a few months ago, a super awesome friend of mine run meri g run ran the miami marathon and i watched her do it - drunk. and i don't think it was the bottle of champagne talking when i started tearing up a bit as people crossed the finish line. i mean, i'm not a sappy drunk, so i really think it was more about the fact that people just willed their bodies to run 26.2 miles. and let's be honest, it's those last .2 that really fuck you over.

anyway, while i have ABSOLUTELY ZERO DESIRE to ever run that far, i thought it might be a great idea to sign myself up for some races to make myself go to the gym. i picked a 4 miler about 3 months away - april 7th to be exact - for a good cause that hits home - colon cancer which my grandpa is a survivor of - and printed out the couch to 5k program to make my dreams come true.

and in honesty, it worked for a while. but then i was like, you know what is fun? drinking. and eating. and hanging out with my friends after extremely long days at work. and guess what. it WAS fun. and delish.

so, the race approached rapidly and my gym sessions dwindled and my anxiety amped up. what the fuck was i going to do? i mean, i paid for this race so i obviously had to run it. i am not one to waste a $37 investment. so i figured i'd just try my best and pray that i came in under an hour. that's a 15 minute mile, which i can normally do walking. i'm tall with a long stride. 

so yesterday, i picked up my super cool bib and ate some carbs with some awesome friends while they all tried to convince me that i wasn't going to crash and burn.

so i woke up early, ate some more carbs, hate watched an episode of smash (liza FUCKING minelli guys!) and then packed my bag and cued up my pump up playlist and headed over to central park. (oh yeah, i live in nyc. my life is great). 

i get to the race and the nerves were pretty bad, but i tried to keep reminding myself that just finishing was an accomplishment. that's what slow kids say to make themselves feel better. and it kind of works.

the race starts and i immediately worry about finishing dead last amongst the 3300+ people that ran today, so i try to hustle. my goal was to "wog" - a mix of walk and jog coined by my friend leah - for most of the race, in the way of 2 on and 2 off. i completely forgot about that plan and jogged for as much as i could before it hurt. then i walked for a while and people started passing me. so i started running again. and the pattern continued. 

i cleared the first mile in just over 15 minutes, according to the convenient clocks that nyrr posts at each mile.  that was NOT pleasing to me as i needed to average under 15 minutes to beat my goal time. so i started hustling more and again, it sucked. however i will say that the view throughout the run was gorgeous. great views of the city behind the reservoir. 

so i crossed 2 miles at 28 minutes, shaving off 2 minutes, and then the third mile at 41 minutes, keeping with the 13 minute mile theme. so i was feeling pretty good about meeting my goal. i could DEF do ONE MILE in 19 minutes. piece of cake. and the hill part of the run? just about over.

with about half a mile or so left, i ran into my very own personal cheering section of amazing friends who woke up early to make me feel special and meri, who was running the 15k after my race, jumped in to run the end with me, which was super nice. even though i told her i wanted to die and made her do my walk/run combo. a lot more walking than that girl is used to, but it was super great and motivating.

at the final turn, she had to veer off so they wouldn't accidentally count her as a 4 miler, and i decided that i needed to straight up sprint to make this bitch end. plus, i wanted to pass a few people to feel better about myself. it's a competitive thing that i do. i managed to cross the finish line before the clock turned 55:00, which means that i totally beat my goal. 

this made me want to cry, but i didn't, and want to eat, which i did. they gave me a free apple AND a bagel! if i had known that races came with snacks, maybe i would've tried this before. probably not, but still, a definite bright point.

then, i met up with my friends and we sat outside in the beautiful spring weather and cheered meri on as she ran the same loop i did. twice. crazy bitch.

then we went to brunch to eat ALL THE FOOD.

but before, mere and i took a pic:

matching shirts and all. i'm the tall, less fit one, naturally.

while at brunch, mere pointed out to me that since i was in the slow corral all the way in the back that means that my time might be better because i didn't cross the finish line my time may actually be less. naturally, i had to research this IMMEDIATELY. and guess what i found out? my time was actually 51:41, which means that not only did i beat my goal, i straight up MURDERED it's ass. average of barely under a 13 minute mile.

proof.

however, while i was happy with my time, when i looked at the stats, i noticed that i only beat 37% of people my age. NOT ACCEPTABLE. i am an elitist and intrinsically believe that i am better than most people at most things. (ask my friends, they will vouch for my asshole-like tendencies). 

i figured what would be a good way to keep this going than to track my progress by trying to do another race of the same type in a couple months and see if i can take the time down and the ass-kicking up. and how do i make myself do this? by writing about it. because it makes me try not to have to write about failure. i've also lined up some other less serious races for this summer to make things interesting, a color run and a mud run, so hopefully by the time i hit them, i can mildly, a little bit, kind of like running. doubtful, but you never know, right?

as for the other "betterment" i have small life goals that i'd always like to accomplish, such as being a morning-worker-outer, not hitting the snooze button, having the floor of my apartment clear enough to walk through. you know basic "adult" type things that make me a functioning human. so i'll set mini-goals for myself each week to go along with the macro goal of health and happiness and other bullshit like that.

don't worry though, the blog won't be all depressing, inspirational shit. i promise to include plenty of thoughts on television, pop culture and anything funny, especially dirty jokes, all in a lovely clean font. 

let's do this, bitches.