ugh, this is going to suck

so fake internet friends, i am trying to make a better go of my life. again.

whatever, i've always had commitment issues. just ask anyone who has ever seen my ever evolving collection of clothes, nail polish and celebrity crushes. i'm a fickle bitch.

anyway, i have been saying for months now that i want to be better a human. mostly physically, as i am extremely vain, but also athletically, mentally and spirtually. HA just kidding on the spiritual shit. i am one hundred percent not capable of that. but i do kind of want to be a grown up in the way that i'm 28, i should be able to make my bed every day.

thus, i have taken to the internet to make myself accountable. which is basically the worst.

how did this come about and how will i be track progress? why, it's so nice that you asked. let me tell you all about that now.

so a few months ago, a super awesome friend of mine run meri g run ran the miami marathon and i watched her do it - drunk. and i don't think it was the bottle of champagne talking when i started tearing up a bit as people crossed the finish line. i mean, i'm not a sappy drunk, so i really think it was more about the fact that people just willed their bodies to run 26.2 miles. and let's be honest, it's those last .2 that really fuck you over.

anyway, while i have ABSOLUTELY ZERO DESIRE to ever run that far, i thought it might be a great idea to sign myself up for some races to make myself go to the gym. i picked a 4 miler about 3 months away - april 7th to be exact - for a good cause that hits home - colon cancer which my grandpa is a survivor of - and printed out the couch to 5k program to make my dreams come true.

and in honesty, it worked for a while. but then i was like, you know what is fun? drinking. and eating. and hanging out with my friends after extremely long days at work. and guess what. it WAS fun. and delish.

so, the race approached rapidly and my gym sessions dwindled and my anxiety amped up. what the fuck was i going to do? i mean, i paid for this race so i obviously had to run it. i am not one to waste a $37 investment. so i figured i'd just try my best and pray that i came in under an hour. that's a 15 minute mile, which i can normally do walking. i'm tall with a long stride. 

so yesterday, i picked up my super cool bib and ate some carbs with some awesome friends while they all tried to convince me that i wasn't going to crash and burn.

so i woke up early, ate some more carbs, hate watched an episode of smash (liza FUCKING minelli guys!) and then packed my bag and cued up my pump up playlist and headed over to central park. (oh yeah, i live in nyc. my life is great). 

i get to the race and the nerves were pretty bad, but i tried to keep reminding myself that just finishing was an accomplishment. that's what slow kids say to make themselves feel better. and it kind of works.

the race starts and i immediately worry about finishing dead last amongst the 3300+ people that ran today, so i try to hustle. my goal was to "wog" - a mix of walk and jog coined by my friend leah - for most of the race, in the way of 2 on and 2 off. i completely forgot about that plan and jogged for as much as i could before it hurt. then i walked for a while and people started passing me. so i started running again. and the pattern continued. 

i cleared the first mile in just over 15 minutes, according to the convenient clocks that nyrr posts at each mile.  that was NOT pleasing to me as i needed to average under 15 minutes to beat my goal time. so i started hustling more and again, it sucked. however i will say that the view throughout the run was gorgeous. great views of the city behind the reservoir. 

so i crossed 2 miles at 28 minutes, shaving off 2 minutes, and then the third mile at 41 minutes, keeping with the 13 minute mile theme. so i was feeling pretty good about meeting my goal. i could DEF do ONE MILE in 19 minutes. piece of cake. and the hill part of the run? just about over.

with about half a mile or so left, i ran into my very own personal cheering section of amazing friends who woke up early to make me feel special and meri, who was running the 15k after my race, jumped in to run the end with me, which was super nice. even though i told her i wanted to die and made her do my walk/run combo. a lot more walking than that girl is used to, but it was super great and motivating.

at the final turn, she had to veer off so they wouldn't accidentally count her as a 4 miler, and i decided that i needed to straight up sprint to make this bitch end. plus, i wanted to pass a few people to feel better about myself. it's a competitive thing that i do. i managed to cross the finish line before the clock turned 55:00, which means that i totally beat my goal. 

this made me want to cry, but i didn't, and want to eat, which i did. they gave me a free apple AND a bagel! if i had known that races came with snacks, maybe i would've tried this before. probably not, but still, a definite bright point.

then, i met up with my friends and we sat outside in the beautiful spring weather and cheered meri on as she ran the same loop i did. twice. crazy bitch.

then we went to brunch to eat ALL THE FOOD.

but before, mere and i took a pic:

matching shirts and all. i'm the tall, less fit one, naturally.

while at brunch, mere pointed out to me that since i was in the slow corral all the way in the back that means that my time might be better because i didn't cross the finish line my time may actually be less. naturally, i had to research this IMMEDIATELY. and guess what i found out? my time was actually 51:41, which means that not only did i beat my goal, i straight up MURDERED it's ass. average of barely under a 13 minute mile.

proof.

however, while i was happy with my time, when i looked at the stats, i noticed that i only beat 37% of people my age. NOT ACCEPTABLE. i am an elitist and intrinsically believe that i am better than most people at most things. (ask my friends, they will vouch for my asshole-like tendencies). 

i figured what would be a good way to keep this going than to track my progress by trying to do another race of the same type in a couple months and see if i can take the time down and the ass-kicking up. and how do i make myself do this? by writing about it. because it makes me try not to have to write about failure. i've also lined up some other less serious races for this summer to make things interesting, a color run and a mud run, so hopefully by the time i hit them, i can mildly, a little bit, kind of like running. doubtful, but you never know, right?

as for the other "betterment" i have small life goals that i'd always like to accomplish, such as being a morning-worker-outer, not hitting the snooze button, having the floor of my apartment clear enough to walk through. you know basic "adult" type things that make me a functioning human. so i'll set mini-goals for myself each week to go along with the macro goal of health and happiness and other bullshit like that.

don't worry though, the blog won't be all depressing, inspirational shit. i promise to include plenty of thoughts on television, pop culture and anything funny, especially dirty jokes, all in a lovely clean font. 

let's do this, bitches.