Sunday, October 6, 2013

i definitely wouldn't survive prison.

writer's note: this draft has been sitting in my queue for over a month. just pretend it's recent.

i'm sure you're all reading the subject line and are thinking, what the fuck did betsy get up to recently? did she FINALLY become the madam to a high-class hooker scheme that she's been yammering about for years? aside: it's a great fucking idea. it's for women and includes 1,000 count egyptian cotton sheets and a mandatory 15 minutes of cuddle time at the end. because no one needs more than 15 minutes of cuddling. i could be a RICH bitch. end aside. did she get caught popping a squat in public? did she try and snuggle a police dog?

the answer to all of your questions is no, i was actually rather well behaved, thankyouverymuch.

but rather, i started (and finished, since writing the beginning of this post 3 weeks ago a month and 3 weeks ago) watching orange is the new black and it is awesome. and also brought up a bunch of questions about whether or not i would survive jail and how well i would do there. let's set the (original) scene, shall we?

open to sunday morning with three girls who have had a bit too much to drink the night before sitting in a lovely nyc apartment:
betsy: wearing leggings as pants and may still be drunk from the night before
meri: wearing actual pants and threatened to puke on betsy's face the night before. she took it back the next morning.
nicole: wearing her workout finest in preparation for a long day of eating and netflix streaming

so now that you know who was there and what we were wearing, let's get into the many reasons why i would fail at prison and thus should never try:

  • while meri thought that she would align with people in power strategically, i contemplated if i would need to take a bitch, as i am obviously too small of an actual human to be bitch. i mean, science is science.
  • then i realized that i never want to take a bitch. neither does nicole. however, meredith has basically figured out how to thrive in prison. and she's proud of it. it makes me wonder how we're friends.* 
  • the transgendered inmate who is ALL SORTS OF FABULOUS had to wear homemade duct tape sandals for the shower because they don't make shoes in her size. as a fellow bigfoot, i know that i'm not crafty enough to make those fo myself. and then not only would i be stuck in prison, but i'd also have foot fungus. 
  • when they check you into prison, they make you spread your buttcheeks to check for drugs or weapons. if that doesn't say scarred for life, i'm not sure what does. 
  • one tv for 20+ prisoners. and no guarantee that i could watch the barefoot contessa make something with browned butter when i wanted to. and that is the TRUE tragedy here.
  • when someone gets sent into solitary, i said that i would sleep the entre time. meredith said that she would just do pushups and situps and "get buff" so that she could be prepared when she came out afterward. hence why she would survive prison and i would die.

so there are about a thousand more reasons on why prison and i do not make for a good fit. (no donuts unles you're really good. zero privacy. mythical chickens that make everyone crazy.) so i guess that high-class hooker scheme is on hold for a while guys. sorry.

*note: meredith also has a plan to survive this apocalyptic wave that is apparently going to submerge the entire east coast that involves running to the mountains on foot, because you can't get out of the city efficiently. she's probably smart for planning. i am probably dead for not planning. yet i still refuse to make a plan to evacutate. seriously, how are we friends?

don't call it a comeback

well hello my friends, it's been a long time since we've last spoken. and i've fallen off the wagon. the blogging wagon that is. also, the being healthy wagon too. i've been indulging in a bit of napping, and eating,  and drinking. and by a it, i obvi mean a lot.

and i know that i wrote a few weeks ago that i was coming back. and then i didn't. because i kept finding a reason not to. also, my computer that i have at home wasn't working and i refused to stay late at work just to write to all of you fictional readers. (see what i mean about reasons?) but that's all chnged now - i bought a keyboard for my ipad and it's fucking awesome. i mean, right now, i'm sitting on my couch with my ipad leaning against the wall and the keypad is in my lap while i watch bad tv.

but back to the matter at hand: my be a better person goal. which is still very much alive, despite the fact that i've neglected it multiple times lately. and in the past few days, i've felt a renewed spirit towards it. i think i've been waiting for something big to happen before i follow through, making it easier to start a new life pattern. you know, like, oh, once i get these new running shoes, i'll work out in the morning. or, i'm just going to order in tonight because i'm exhausted but i'll be back to cooking tomorrow. and the cycle continues. i'm sure you've heard me say this before.

anyways. i actually saw something today that made me even more aware of my lack of dedication. i was in the bronx (gasp!) at my volleyball tournament and there was a young girl that could not sit still and watch her mom play. i was a similar kind of kid. but she kept throwing trick after trick of cartwheels, roundoffs, handsprings - you named it, she was doing it. and well. it was impressive. THEN she starts peppering (it's a volleyball thing and i can't really explain the phrasing) with her mom and it was equally impressive. but even after her mom went to play, she just kept practicing. becaise she wanted to get better. and i was so. so. jealous! that i have forgotten what it's like to want to be the best. and then i remmbered that i do want to be the best - the best me. and i can't just keep taking the easy way out.

so i have decided that i am done living my half-ish life that i've got accustomed to and am starting anew. again. i need to look at my choices and be better. if i know i'm going to work late, i should go to the gym in the morning. and actually get up when my alarm goes off. if i know that i won't want to make dinner, i should suck it up and eat a lean uisine that has probably been in my freezer since i've meved in. basically, i need to be a functioning grownup for the first time in my life.

i'm hopeful but cautious. i can do this. as long as i don't get in my own way.