well hello my friends, it's been a long time since we've last spoken. and i've fallen off the wagon. the blogging wagon that is. also, the being healthy wagon too. i've been indulging in a bit of napping, and eating, and drinking. and by a it, i obvi mean a lot.
and i know that i wrote a few weeks ago that i was coming back. and then i didn't. because i kept finding a reason not to. also, my computer that i have at home wasn't working and i refused to stay late at work just to write to all of you fictional readers. (see what i mean about reasons?) but that's all chnged now - i bought a keyboard for my ipad and it's fucking awesome. i mean, right now, i'm sitting on my couch with my ipad leaning against the wall and the keypad is in my lap while i watch bad tv.
but back to the matter at hand: my be a better person goal. which is still very much alive, despite the fact that i've neglected it multiple times lately. and in the past few days, i've felt a renewed spirit towards it. i think i've been waiting for something big to happen before i follow through, making it easier to start a new life pattern. you know, like, oh, once i get these new running shoes, i'll work out in the morning. or, i'm just going to order in tonight because i'm exhausted but i'll be back to cooking tomorrow. and the cycle continues. i'm sure you've heard me say this before.
anyways. i actually saw something today that made me even more aware of my lack of dedication. i was in the bronx (gasp!) at my volleyball tournament and there was a young girl that could not sit still and watch her mom play. i was a similar kind of kid. but she kept throwing trick after trick of cartwheels, roundoffs, handsprings - you named it, she was doing it. and well. it was impressive. THEN she starts peppering (it's a volleyball thing and i can't really explain the phrasing) with her mom and it was equally impressive. but even after her mom went to play, she just kept practicing. becaise she wanted to get better. and i was so. so. jealous! that i have forgotten what it's like to want to be the best. and then i remmbered that i do want to be the best - the best me. and i can't just keep taking the easy way out.
so i have decided that i am done living my half-ish life that i've got accustomed to and am starting anew. again. i need to look at my choices and be better. if i know i'm going to work late, i should go to the gym in the morning. and actually get up when my alarm goes off. if i know that i won't want to make dinner, i should suck it up and eat a lean uisine that has probably been in my freezer since i've meved in. basically, i need to be a functioning grownup for the first time in my life.
i'm hopeful but cautious. i can do this. as long as i don't get in my own way.